its back again.
kill me now.
im tired of this feeling.
im sick of how it keeps returning.
the intervals between are becoming shorter in time.
im exhausted. trying to stay content. attempting to remain sane.
i refuse to be weak. but my mind set is different. my actions portray the opposite.
inside im dying. im unsure of how long i can last. how long i can pretend to be fine.
i no longer have the energy to keep fighting. this is all becoming too much for me.
i don’t know what it is. or what just happened. but this wave of sadness and distress has just come over me. about what? who knows. i can feel myself sinking. something inside of me just dying. maybe its just this moment. maybe this feeling is only relevant for right now. but as im typing this, i can tell you how alone i feel. how insignificant my life seems to me. i cannot do another depression. i got lucky the last time. i was “saved”. i might not be as fortunate this time around. i sit here at the kitchen table. piles of shit to do, things to read, things to write. and i just sit here. staring blankly into the barely lit kitchen. hearing voices outside by the courtyard. i don’t know if i can do this. im not sure i can undergo another low period.
people always say “im broken”. i never really thought i experienced the pain of that saying. but i think this is how it feels. how i feel right now. im just broken. into pieces i can no longer find. with the exception of one. you. you have a piece of me. you always will.