What’s worse than being alone is feeling alone. You can be surrounded and loved by many people, but nothing will fill the emptiness. It’s worse because people see you everyday, some even look right into your eyes when they’re talking to you, standing just inches away from feeling your heart beat– yet no one seems to notice your pain. Everyone is near, but no one close enough. Even the smallest space between everybody feels like oceans apart.
its back again.
kill me now.
im tired of this feeling.
im sick of how it keeps returning.
the intervals between are becoming shorter in time.
im exhausted. trying to stay content. attempting to remain sane.
i refuse to be weak. but my mind set is different. my actions portray the opposite.
inside im dying. im unsure of how long i can last. how long i can pretend to be fine.
i no longer have the energy to keep fighting. this is all becoming too much for me.
i don’t know what it is. or what just happened. but this wave of sadness and distress has just come over me. about what? who knows. i can feel myself sinking. something inside of me just dying. maybe its just this moment. maybe this feeling is only relevant for right now. but as im typing this, i can tell you how alone i feel. how insignificant my life seems to me. i cannot do another depression. i got lucky the last time. i was “saved”. i might not be as fortunate this time around. i sit here at the kitchen table. piles of shit to do, things to read, things to write. and i just sit here. staring blankly into the barely lit kitchen. hearing voices outside by the courtyard. i don’t know if i can do this. im not sure i can undergo another low period.
people always say “im broken”. i never really thought i experienced the pain of that saying. but i think this is how it feels. how i feel right now. im just broken. into pieces i can no longer find. with the exception of one. you. you have a piece of me. you always will.
I used to believe like you do.
Have all this faith and hope that IT will happen.
But I guess the cruel world took a toll on me.
I guess I had an awful reality check somewhere in the middle of it all.
Maybe this is how its supposed to be.
Maybe this is how most of the world is.
Or maybe I’m just selling my self short.
Maybe I’ll just never know.
And… I miss your voice..
The biggest regret i’ll ever have is not seeing you when I could have.
And I feel like i’ve lost you..
And you were the one who made my problems go away
Or at least forget they ever existed
And when I hear your songs… I think about when you used to sing in the car
I think about how my favorite song is the one you sang
Asking me if I liked what you found
And it will always be my favorite.
And whenever I drive home at odd hours in the morning, 5…6..7 am. driving south
as the sun rises, I think about you.
I think about how I’ve gotten to see you so late, and would have to leave so early…
I wish… I just wish I could have done what you had wanted
Because it’s what I wanted
And still do
And i’ll keep wondering
What could have been?
Could something have been?
Or is it a hopeless fantasy
You’re so far,
But you werent before… and I dont know why you are now
And I sit here listening to your song
Wishing that was me,
The story of that song
But maybe i’ll never be …
Maybe i’m just asking for too much
But i’ll be honest to say that…
I miss you
And I miss that sweet voice of yours
And I wonder, when i’ll ever get to see you again.
I want to text you to let you know that i miss you, but theres that little fear in the back of my heart that you might not text back. So i guess i wont be hearing from you .. until you contact me first ..
Today was another painful day.. Everytime my phones goes off, my heart stops for just a second in hopes that its you texting/calling me. But the moment that i see that its somebody else, my heart drops back down to my stomach. It was a long day & I was able to keep you off my mind from time to time BUT the moment that i lay down in bed, all i want to do is sleep. To finally get you off my mind even if its for a few hours. I feel pathetic writing to you on my tumblr because its not like you’ll ever see it. But it certainly .. eases my mind a tad bit. I wonder if you miss me as much as i miss you. I wonder if you’re doing ok without me because im not. I wonder if you still want me as much as i want you. I wonder if you’re even thinking about me. God, i sound like a total turd right now -.- damn .. its starting to hurt like hell even more.
Its hard ya know? Going about my day & not having you there by myside.